If IBM made toasters ...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters ...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices
would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread
for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters ...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters ...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the
Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension
was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was
just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters ...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters ...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned
the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters ...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same
time.
If Cray made toasters ...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If the NSA made toasters ...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons
of national security.
If Sony made toasters ...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
your belt.
If Timex made toasters ...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters ...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel counter-top), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless
would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their
toasters.
If Apple made toasters ...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier then go out of business 'cause they couldn't sell any to
anybody but speciality toasting shops.
gruss
postman@letec.ch
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