ana.words, uncontrolled losing sight one eye

Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who
was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a
curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the
call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of
local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the
event."


Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char
o's are crazy.



Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more
beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.



Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?


Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage.
Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!



Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good
balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!



Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.



Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really
hot curry?

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)



submitted by seb


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