mahalwords, hamster electricity

mahalwords, hamster electricity
17. August 1997 michael
In mahalwords
>Ways To Get Electric Power From Hamsters
>1.  Stick copper and zinc electrode needles in opposite ends of hamster.
>    Use in series for higher voltage.
>2.  Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt.  Creates static
>    electricity.
>3.  Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA
>    batteries.
>4.  Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a
>    trampoline.
>5.  Ignite in large numbers.  Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
>6.  Kidnap and threaten to torture.  Extort ransom from animal rights
>    activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of
>    electric current.
>7.  Drop hamsters from great heights.  Use water-mill like turbine to
>    generate electricity.
>8.  Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million
>    years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
>9.  Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine.  No explanation necessary.
>10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
>11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings.  Show cliff to hamsters.
>    Install turbine halfway down cliff.
>12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape.  Spin rapidly.  Attach
>    generator.
>13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill.  Feed back
>    small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure
>    center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
>14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add
>    water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition.  Collect methane
>    gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
>15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a
>    waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
>16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer.  Use piss and vomit to run
>    hydroelectric generator.
>17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles.
>    Heat steam turbine.
>18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines.  Saved
>    electricity will be enormous.  Cover performance loss by releasing new
>    version of Windows NT at the same time.
>19. Build glass room.  Put hamsters inside.  Put cocaine inside.  Ground
>    the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
>20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards.  Leech power from
>    resulting nuclear strike.
>21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack.  Once they're at the competitive
>    level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters.
>    Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
>22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes
>    the mas to shrink and heat up.  Use thermocouples to generate energy.
>23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters.  Threaten to drop hamster down
>    CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant.
>24. Get several dozen hamsters.  Shoot them up with crystal meth.  Attach
>    dog sled.
>25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them)
>    Combine the hamster with an equal mass of anti-matter, a anti-hamster if
>    you will.  Then harness the massive energy release for power.
>26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil
>    Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster.  This should be good for 4-6 sequels.
>    Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
>27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
>    b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because
>       they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
>    c. Feed the hamsters.
>    d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
>    e. Periodically drain off the voltage.
>    Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.
>    P.S. How could I have been so blind?  Splice in genes from blue-green
>    algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters!  (Well,
>    maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)
>28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give
>    you power for free.
so iisiiii :-)
>29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant
>    lightning-breathing hamster as power source.
>30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yield 20% more
>    power from the dilithium crystals.
>31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit; when the orbit decays, they
>    will heat up the atmosphere.  With enough hamsters, you could raise the
>    planets temperature as much as you want.
>32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass.  Then when they turn red and
>    embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot
>    engine.
>33. Amass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough
>    mass to begin  hamsterfusion in the core.  Use solar cells to convert
>    radiation to electricity.
>34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes
>    supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that.
>35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters, spin the resulting
>    neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit, use gravity waves
>    to rotate hydro-turbine.
>36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that
>    hamsters _are_ electricity.  (Well, they've got lots of electrons in
>    them, yes?)  Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've
>    now got electricity. (I say "five or six hits", because I find that
>    things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the
>    word "Krups" is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for
>    an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards.)
>37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of
>    coiled wires.
>38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms.  Compress the resulting
>    plasma until it fuses.  Transfer the released energy via heat/engine
>    or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
>39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to
>    anti- matter.  Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster.
>    Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
>40. Drop hamster into black hole.  Use photovoltaics to release the
>    radiated energy.
>41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are
>    symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal,
>    charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP
>    symmetry.  It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge
>    conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles.  Use this to
>    show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup
>    electromagnetic radiation.  (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out
>    of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?)  Ref: J. J. Sakurai,_Adv. Quan.
>    Mech._
>42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster.
>    He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod.  Drawback: only
>    creates static electricity.
>This is a "sick humor" list. You may find some jokes offensive. For subscription 
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